Non-Violent Communication and Restorative Practices

So our next stop is to New Hampshire. My family and I arrive at our new home for the next three nights - a quirky and chintzy B&B called ‘Enchanted Nights’. I am heading to Aryoloka Buddhist Retreat Center for a Non Violent Communication Deepening and Restorative Justice Work shop whilst Lyndon is off to immerse himself and the kids into the dazzling, bonfire of colours that nature burns up every fall in this area.

After New York, the pace is slow. We are staying in Portsmouth, with its New England-style wood-panelled houses with verandas and white-picket fences. Everywhere feels ordered, well-manicured and spacious. The first morning we find the local diner and indulge in the biggest breakfast ever known to man – porridge, fruit, pancakes, muffins, egg, bacon, maple syrup – Americans know how to eat a lot! It appears that the whole of the local community is in the diner and each morning we nod to the same faces, sit in the same seats and have the same breakfast (except on Sunday when they all pile in together after Church). The sense of community is palpable.

Aryoloka Buddhist Retreat Center is housed a two-dome structure tucked away in the forest. It’s a beautiful setting. The Non-Violent Communication workshop is illuminating for me and I take away the idea that in order for people to stop being violent/ blaming/ angry/ judgemental to others, they need to learn how to be truly non-violent towards themselves first. On the third day, a Circles facilitator talks to us about the use of circles for offending youths in Colorado and we ‘fishbowl’ a mock Circle. Jessica Dancingheart (the facilitator) has written the case study with me in mind. The scenario is an incident in which a teenager has hit his girlfriend (the first time) after she tried to take his dope from him in the park. I volunteer to role-play the young girl and the rest of the group take the other roles – the girl’s mum, the young offender and his father, along with two community members.

It’s an interesting role play. As the victim, I feel good that my boyfriend has a chance to repair the damage he has inflicted without getting a criminal record and feel secure in the fact that if he doesn’t comply with the actions decided by the circle that he will be taken back to court to be dealt with in the traditional ways. As each person is given the talking piece to say how the crime has affected them, I feel (as the victim) that the crime was not just against me. As I hear how each community member feels worried about letting their children to the park now, how they feel their community is less safe because of this incident, I start to feel less victimised. The emphasis is on the offender taking full responsibility for his actions and hearing how it impacted on all those around him. The action plan is a way of him repaying the whole of community and is based on his strengths – this teenager was a runner and so it was decided in the group that he should raise money for the local refuge by taking part in two charity runs as part of his pay back to society, amongst other reparations.

Obviously there are lots and lots of situations in which this approach wouldn’t work but I am starting to appreciate that thinking of ‘perpetrators’ as one homogenised group is not helpful. There are all kinds of people who become abusive and different approaches are required to address this. Food for thought.